Bitter-Sweet October
Hi all! Can you believe it’s already October? This month holds two very different anniversaries in my life. Both are close to my heart. This post may be the most personal I will ever write. But, I feel that the story and the life that I am about to share with you could be very beneficial to those who may find common ground with the heroine of the story. This is a story of the life of a promising young woman named Rachel. I wouldn’t share it with you if I didn’t believe she would approve. During the last year of her life, Rachel had become very open with her addictions and struggles. I believe this willingness to share had to motivations. I think she was sharing partially as a desperate cry for help and for hope. The second reason Rachel became so very open was to help others in her situation.
If you are currently recovering from an ED or are sensitive to ED related material, please be advised that this story contains information that could be triggering to some. However, if you feel you are able to read on, this story could be motivation to recover so as not to live an entire life of fear and pain.
She began her life as a beautiful little girl. One of the things that Rachel and I had in common was a history of childhood pageantry. Although, ours were more local and weren’t so over-the-top as the ones you see on TLC.
I would say Rayche was about 5 years old here. Very early in her life, Rachel’s love of animals became very clear and she made the choice to abstain from meat. Her vegetarianism stuck with her all through her life. Something else became clear about Rachel when she was young. She displayed symptoms of disordered eating as early as primary school. She told me once that she never remembered not having an eating disorder. Unfortunately, bulimia stuck with Rachel as well. According to Rachel, her disordered eating stemmed from a disordered home life. When she was in high school Rachel was admitted to a behavorial health facility in order to “cure” her of her bulimia. From what she had told me, thing were okay initially when she returned home. But, the same demons arose shortly after she had returned home. Not only was she fighting her bulimia but, her sexuality as well. Rachel had realized that she ws gay and that was not something that would have gone over well had she been open about it during her high school years.
During her college years Rachel moved in with her grandparents to find a more secure environment. Over the course of her high school and college years, Rachel had adopted 10 cats. She said that she just couldn’t stand the thought of them being euthanized at the local pound. When she was feeling empty inside, she would show up at the pound unannounced. I don’t think she ever left empty handed 
She found more than pets during her years of studying. Rachel also began to drink profusely. I didn’t recognize her alcoholism at first because we were all drinking socially.
This was Rachel and I on my 21st birthday. By that time her alcoholism was more than apparent. I had seen her drink 12 beers, 4 mixed drinks and 3 shots over the course of an evening…and that’s just what I saw. For two years, I could count on a late-night drunken phone call at least twice each week. Most of these calls were pleas for me to pick her up or give her a ride. I was an enabler. I did pick her up. It could be midnight or 5 AM…it didn’t matter. I let Rachel stay at my apartment, my boyfriend’s house and even my parents’ house. She found herself in some bad situations. Guys thought she was trying to be cool when she said she was homosexual. They often tried to manipulate her into staying at their apartments. I tried to go out to the bars with Rachel so that she wouldn’t end up being a victim of sexual violence. When I was working at a hotel, I put her in a room to ”sleep off the alcohol” whil I worked the night shift.
Rachel had seen a Licensed Counselor since her first inpatient experience. However, she didn’t attend her appointments faithfully. At the lowest point of Rachel’s life, she was purging 12 times a day and hiding the evidence in plastic bags in her closet. She would then take out the “trash” when her grandparents were away. She was also consuming at least 12 drinks throughout each evening. Of course I had tried to reason with Rayche many times. She finally agreed to try treatment again but, had no way to pay for it. Rachel’s grandparents eventually agreed to help her pay for treatment. I was so hopeful and I think she was too. She called me on the way to the facility and she sounded so excited and positive about recovery. I wasn’t able to speak with Rachel during her time in treatment. By the time she finished treatment, I had met Mallard. We had started our long distance relationship. He and I were taking turns driving back and forth every weekend from Illinois to Ohio and vise versa. I met up with Rayche a week after she completed treatment and she had already begun to drink again.
I didn’t even bother to ask about her purging because I already knew the answer and she knew that I knew the answer as well.
Rachel and I at a bar (shocking) 10 days beforeher accident. My shirt is flipped up because it was soaked with one of her drinks.
Rachel studied Psychology and eventually recieved her Bachelor’s Degree in the spring of 2006.
Rayche with her brother on graduation day.
Mallard’s parents were living in my hometown at the time and he was there visiting them…errr me I was staying the night because I wanted to be with him as much as possible and his parents house was close to my place of employment. At 2:10 AM, we were still awake watching a movie and my phone rang. I saw Rachel’s name flash on the front screen of my phone and I hastily silenced the ring. “I am SO sick of this!!” I said to Mallard. Rachel called again and I said ,” I am NOT going to get her this time. I’m done. She can find someone else to be her enabler.” She left me numerous voicemails that night. She told me to come to a certain bar because it was “so much fun”. Then, she asked me to come get her. Rayche used t always joke that I was her “wife” since we seemed to be attached at the hip. The last voicemail contained only two drunken words, “…myyyyyyyyyyyy wife.” Just like that and then she hung up. After that, I didn’t hear from Rachel for a few days. I figured she was upset with me for not coming to her rescue. I was so frustrated with her that I didn’t bother calling her. Then, I saw a missed call from her on my phone and I saw that she had left me a voicemail. When I checked my voicemail, I didn’t hear Rachel’s voice. It was her mom’s voice that I heard. This confused me because Rayche didn’t live with her mom or even speak to her often. In the message her mom said, “Hi, Jenna. This is Rachel’s mom. I just saw that your number was the last call on her phone before the accident and I just wondered what you guys talked about. My number is xxx xxx xxxx. Thanks, bye.” Now I was more confused.
Apparently, when I didn’t answer Rachel’s first call, she took it upon herself to drive home. She lost control of her vehicle and rolled it right off the interstate. That last call was 4 minutes before the call to 911 from the passing driver that stopped when he saw Rachel’s vehicle turn over. She was already gone when the paramedics arrived.
I attended the visitation and funeral that week. I was mad, I was devestated,I was numb. I didn’t know that Mallard had already asked my dad’s permission for my hand in marriage and had already showed my mom the engagement ring. Before I found out about Rayche, I had made plans to visit Mallard that next weekend. He had already set up the engagement evening. That week I was bombarded with phone calls and concerned words from friends. Anywhere I went, I got pity from those who knew what happened or “Where’s Rache?” from those who had no idea. So, after the funeral, Mallard came to pick me up and take me to Ohio with him for my planned visit. I was obviously too distraught to drive myself. He proposed as planned in hopes that it may lift my spirits. I accepted and didn’t go back home. It was mid-semester but I didn’t care. I left my jobs. I went back two weeks later to get the rest of my things.
I didn’t write this for sympathy. It’s been three years and I have had plenty of time to come to peace with the situation. I did write this in hopes that at least one reader will gain something from this. Rachel spent 12 years of her life struggling with an Eating Disorder. During most of that time, she saw no way out. That’s a very dark place. If you are struggling, please know that you can live without the burden of an ED. There are so many resources. Don’t live a whole life in pain. You deserve better. You deserve not to suffer.
Now back to the joys of delicias! Snuffy and I went grocery shopping today as usual.
I was SOOO excited to find that Wal-Mart started carrying my favorite wraps again!
I used to incorporate one of these into a meal or snack at least once every day! I love the taste, the texture and the nutritionals!
We also found some new jeans for Snuffy when we dropped some of her old clothes at the thrift store.
$6.50 … any mamas out there will know that’s a bargain for Children’s Place jeans.
All the shopping wore Snuffy out!
That is until we arrived home.
The bigger form of flattery is imitation!
Here are a few eats from the last few days
Pumpkin Oats using Katie’s melted ‘nana trick with 1/2 cup of Libby’s Organic Pumpkin, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla, a little Grade A Maple and Stonyfield Vanilla Yogurt
More Pumpkin Oats made the same way but topped with 365 Organic Blueberry Yogurt. This was awesome. I love the blueberry and pumpkin together. I never would have imagined they would compliment one another so nicely.
Brocolli, Spinach, Cauliflower and Carrots steamed and spread with Nayonaise, topped with Horizon Cheese slices and wrapped in an Ezekiel Tortilla. Nayonaise is my new addiction. I need soy rehab.
Would you prefer a post of all eats? I’m thinking of beginning to post all or almost all of my daily eats. What do you think? Sound like fun or not necessary?
Please contact me if you need ED recovery resources. I have also been contacted by a Clinical Psyche MA student looking for any women recovered or recovering from an Eating Disorder who would be willing to share their experience. If you are interested you may contact her at anusarabetty@yahoo.com.
Love your body.
J
Oh my God…this is…such a shocking, saddening, waking reminder to the horrors of addictions…Thank you for sharing, I know how hard this must have been for you…but I hope this can benefit and wake up any women (or man) out there who are playing with such addictions. It is NOT fun, it is NOT fun for those who love us, and it is certainly a SERIOUS matter.
Thank you once again, and I hope you are at peace about this matter…
So sad…. you were truly such an amazing friend to her and I’m sure she and her family are forever grateful for all that you did for them. Thank you for sharing- I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write all of that down.
Your little girl is so cute
Wow, thanks for being so open.
The nana oats look amaze…and Snuffy’s SO super cute!
What a touching story, you brought tears to my eyes. Thanks so much for sharing this story, hopefully it will teach someone out there a lesson, or at least make them think before they act, or get help if they are in a similar situation. Of course the end of your story was happy
Proposals are exciting (I can’t wait for mine!).
I like your blog the way it is. I’m not too keen on reading about what people eat everyday, unless it’s unique! Some people post the same breakfast/lunhc everyday and it gets boring. I’m sure you will make it good though.
Great post J. There are so many women out there who need help and don’t even know it. I hate that about your friend. I wish we could save everyone that is hurting!!
Great post, and a very compelling story. I’ve not been touched by ED in any way, but I know that many people have and I think sharing stories like this is a good thing.
Daily eats on a blog are fun, but variety is good too! Sometimes it’s fun to read a post that’s just random stuff! Whatever you do, I’m sure your blog will still be interesting!
This is a great post, and thanks for sharing. ED affects everyone, not just the person directly suffering. What a terrible experience for you to have to endure. I’m so sorry for the horrible loss of your best friend.
Recovery is a beautiful thing, but it nearly takes an act of congress for most of us to believe that we deserve to get better.
If anyone else is struggling, please get help!!
What a horrible experience.. but I think it’s great that you shared it with us. Hopefully it will help others who are heading down that same path!
Your oats look awesome.. I used to make blueberry pumpkin oats all the time!
And I’d love to see your daily eats- even if it’s just a couple times a week!
I think it’s wonderful that you posted this today. I know you aren’t asking for it but I am truly sorry that this horrible experience happened to you/ your friend/ your family.
As for the food….. you can certainly post all your food. I use to post all my breakfast and lunch food every day but it got to be a little much for me. Now I just post highlights or when I have time. If you’re up for it then I say DO IT! I love seeing what people eat every day!
-A
that’s really a sad story but really touching. in all her pics, she looked like a happy girl… but what’s behind that smile is unthinkable. Thanks for sharing her story with us, I’m sure someone will learn from it!
oh ms. jenna…thank you for sharing. i think we can all learn so much from one another – if we reach out and one person can get help, it is so worth it. you have such a fabulous attitude about life, and i know this IS going to help people.
love to you.
This post made me cry. Thank you for sharing the story and being so open and honest, I know that must have been difficult.
Your little girl is so adorable! And as for the food posting… I say do whatever works for you! I’m interested in reading whether you post everything you eat or just some things.
Thank you so much for your honesty….and now, let me ask: Can I babysit?
You are an angel and an amazing friend girl
that’s an incredible story and I think you’re so brave for dealing and coping with it for so many years.
P.S. I love josephs wraps!
J-baby, this is an incredible post. It takes such strength to share such a shocking, awakening and saddening story. Thank you for putting this out there for all to learn.
Onto less serious topics, I love the idea of posting your daily eats! I’d read no matter what, though! And the Joseph’s wraps are my fave! xoxo
Thnak you for sharing that story with us. I’ve never known anyone with an eating disorder but I do have a best friend who struggled with her sexuality and drinking. I’m happy to say now that she has conuered her demons of drinking. She’s now straight and It doens’t bother me if she was gay or not, but I’m happy my friend has gotten her life together and is non an alcoholic.
Oh my God. That story is so moving. I know you said you didn’t write it for sympathy, but I am so sorry you had to go through that. However, I’m so glad you’ve come to peace with the situation.
I’m sorry to hear about this story. Thanks for sharing it with us and for trying to reach out and help others. Your thoughtfulness and generosity is awesome. It must have taken a lot of courage to tell this story!
Snuffy is cleaning the house when she’s still ridiculously cute??? Quite a winner
What a story….oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your loss. Even years later, yes I still wish you strength.
I just came by to thank you for the comment you left on my blog about your trip…that ended in a surprise
Snuffy’s a doll, and yes 6.50 for C.P. jeans is like practically free 
Hang in there mama, from one mommy to another (and there dont seem to be that many in the bloggie world with kiddos yet) you’re doing a great job with your lil one
Write anytime, I’d love to hear from you!
xoxo
I’m so sorry that you had to go through something so sad and difficult, but I truly appreciate your openness to share that with us and I know that the message will end up helping someone else, so thank you for doing that!
Wow! What a powerful story. Thanks for sharing
I bought jeans for my little one the other day at a little store we like to visit called Little Ones And Reruns. I don’t even think she realizes its thrift and she loves it!!
I am super jealous of the lavash. That used to be my fav wrap but I had to cut most things with oats and wheat out
. I also think those wraps contain fake sweetener if I remember correctly?? Anyway, that broc and cheese wrap is looking mighty fine!!!
Just a warning. Blogging everything you eat all day can really take a toll on some people (i.e. me) but not everyone obviously. I see many lovely ladies that do it and seem to have no trouble. I just felt like it was becoming obsessive and taking away valuable time with my little one. My nosy ass will still be around if you do decided to though. LOL!!
Have a great day
~Justine
thanks for the story. it is important to share the memories of someone important.
THANKS FOR THE COMMENT…you really think? he isn’t just being nice? hahah he’s a cute football player, i’m not going to lie…..good thing i was wearing nice clothes that day….
Thanks for sharing Rachel’s story. I hope it will have an impact and cause anyone looking for help with recovery to get that help.
Snuffy is so cute! Ahh, what a little helper.
I would have done the same thing. my ex died in a similar fashion- although not a bulimic, he was a heavy drug user in the marines stationed down in NC. he called me every night at 1 am, 3 am, to talk to me; of course, me needing to be at work at 8 am was sleeping. for three nights in a row i did not pick up the phone – because i knew the same story- he was drunk, he was high, he was everything but ok. the fourth morning his dad called me and said that he had passed away in the night- a mix of alcohol and pain killers.
i felt guilty for years- could i have talked him out of that though? probably not, he was an addict, and i couldnt save him from that.
i still have his pictures hanging up around me because in spite of his addiction he was a wonderful guy- super sweet and always willing to go to bat for someone. i loved him a lot…
im so sorry to hear about your friend- and im glad you were able to see that you were not at fault you were a good friend to her- some people though need more help than we can give…
nice pics of snuffy- get her started early on the chores! lol